I had an epiphany recently that has lead to a lot of heart-to-hearts, arguments, explanations and apologies.
First, I acknowledged that I was hurt way too badly in my long term relationships. I am still very angry/sad about how things ended. While my past loves may be in a Zen places, I have not had the benefit of rationalizing my current situation until recently. The best thing is to remove myself from that situation.
I have been like an amputee who still feels phantom limbs, except in my case it has been my heart. That is kind of sad isn’t it? Going through the emotional motions, semblance of personal interaction and shadows of past relationships. I was trying so hard to be normal and it just wasn’t working. I was too nice to just move on, to be stern, to be a jerk, especially when I have a free card to do so. I am glad I didn’t though.
Basically, I am a good person. I can be petty and vindictive as the next person and I am not ashamed of that, but I guess that a “phantom heart” works just like a real one. Being mean is not what I needed, but realizing that I need to devote some energy to my needs was really important.
Unfortunately, I still have some loose ends to tie up.
My subsequent moment of eureka, was that honesty is not always the best policy. People want what they want and your desires are not really all that important. This is a very Darwinian view of others with no suggestion towards malicious intent but ultimately true in regards to the dominance of one’s own desires. It is unconscious on some levels and we are all subject to it. Even when we do what is best for others what we are really doing is fulfilling some need we have ourselves. Is there any altruism then?
No matter what I say, people want what they want and it leads to only three outcomes; conflict, compromise, or submission. Often I have submitted in some way to create the appearance of compromise. I don’t enjoy hurting people that I care for, but they are equally capable of hurting me. It leaves little choice but self preservation and while I have often tried to find the path of least resistance, perhaps it is best to simply do what is best for me.
I also realized that former lovers can rarely be friends. It is very unlikely, if not just a flat out miracle. I used to think that it was so sad and pathetic that as a cerebrally evolved species, we cannot manage such social graces. Theoretically, I still see it as a flawed characteristic but much like Communism, some things work better on paper than in reality.
That is the sum of what has struck me of late. I think I moreover it has compounded my Nietzschean outlook on life and it doesn’t feel as bad as I thought. I feel a bit stronger with each conflict, so perhaps I am finally experiencing some growth in areas that I have needed to develop.